Toxic Shame: What It Is and How to Overcome It | Seattle Christian Counseling (2024)

The term “toxic shame” was first coined in the 1960’s by American psychologist, Silvan Tomkins, to describe a chronic sense of worthlessness resulting from being repeatedly humiliated, shamed, and rejected.

Difference between normal shame and toxic shame.

Shame is a normal emotion that most people experience at one time or another in response to embarrassment over something they did that was foolish or wrong, or being humiliated in front of others. It may feel uncomfortable, even painful for a while, but it is only a temporary feeling that eventually goes away.

Toxic shame, on the other hand, does not come and go. It is shame that you have internalized and that has become rooted deep in your mind. It is the defining characteristic of who you sense yourself to be, and the lens through which you see yourself and think others see you as well. At its core, is a deeply ingrained belief that you are flawed and worthless.

Causes of toxic shame

Toxic shame is the result of feeling unimportant, rejected, and unloved. Most commonly it is rooted in childhood trauma such as abuse, bullying, neglect, or abandonment, but it can also develop later in life through distressing events such as an abusive relationship featuring shaming language, or a humiliating work incident.

A child may repeatedly exposed to negative feedback for incidents such as wetting their bed, spilling their milk, or the way they look, and is continually criticized and shamed with demeaning statements about him or herself. “

Messages such as “you are stupid,” “you are clumsy,” “you are a fat slob,” “you can’t do anything right,” or “you will never amount to anything,” get internalized and become deeply embedded beliefs and convictions that there is something innately wrong with them and that they are not good enough.

Effects of toxic shame

Toxic shame lodges in your heart and eats away at your self-esteem. It attacks your inner self with lies, leads to false beliefs that you are defective, useless, flawed, inadequate, worthless, unlovable, and a failure, and can turn into self-loathing and disgust. It assaults your core identity with the message, “You are bad,” instead of “You did something bad.”

Toxic shame can even impact your body, manifesting itself in a defeated posture, as well as the way you move, talk, and avoid eye contact.

Common symptoms of toxic shame

Withdrawal

Toxic shame wants to keep you isolated. The belief that you are not good enough makes you want to hide who you are and to just curl up and disappear.

Low self-esteem

You feel worthless and unworthy of love, no matter what you do.

Persistent self-criticism

You constantly engage in negative self-talk, putting yourself down and criticizing yourself.

Anger

You may use anger as a defense mechanism to try and divert the emotional pain you feel away from yourself.

Perfectionism

You tend to be a perfectionist and try to keep from being shamed by making unrealistic demands on yourself and setting unachievable goals.

Addictive tendencies

You try to escape from the emotional pain of your shame by turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse, addiction, disordered eating, or self-harm to numb yourself.

Retraumatization

You frequently relive the memories from the past that caused you to feel ashamed.

Tips for overcoming toxic shame

Identify where the shame came from

Think back over your life to how you were treated when you did something wrong. Whose voice do you hear when those memories come up?

Have self-compassion

Be kind to yourself. Self-compassion is key to the process of overcoming toxic shame. Remind yourself that there are no perfect humans. Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, but mistakes don’t make you a mistake. They do not define who you are. Keep a diary of things you do right.

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and how they make you feel, as well as assist you in discerning distorted ones. Make a habit of questioning your thoughts without judging or reacting to them, or putting yourself down. Remind yourself that just because something feels true does not necessarily mean that it is true.

Reframe negative thoughts and beliefs

Toxic shame tends to distort your perceptions of reality. Challenge negative beliefs you have related to it and ask yourself whether there is any proof to support them or whether there might be a more realistic alternative. Shame, for instance, is just a feeling. It does not define you. It is not who you are. Practice replacing negative self-talk with affirming, positive statements.

Be patient

Be patient with yourself. Change does not happen overnight. It takes time to reverse dysfunctional ways of thinking that have become so deeply embedded in your subconscious mind that you revert to them automatically.

Seek support

Shame tends to flourish in the dark. Studies have shown that honesty and transparency are the best antidotes for it. When you become aware of feeling shame, seek the support of a trusted friend, counselor, or support group. Exposing your shame by talking about it with others will cause its power and hold over you to diminish.

Know who you are in Christ

If you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, reflect on who you are in Him and the price He paid for your salvation. Your mistakes do not diminish your value in God’s eyes. Replace negative self-talk with truths from God’s Word (the Bible).

What the Bible says about toxic shame

Toxic shame is not of God. The Lord is a God of restoration. By His grace, He has made a way for you to find healing from your toxic shame and the lies that bind you and keep you separated from His love.

We are all born sinners, but through Jesus Christ, we can be forgiven and set free. True peace, acceptance, and love can only be found through a personal relationship with Him.

But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8, NIV

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16, NIV

Salvation is a free gift we cannot earn. It can only be received through faith.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. – Ephesians 2:8-9, ESV

When we confess our sins to God and seek His forgiveness, He promises to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Through accepting His gift of salvation and trusting in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we become new creations, cleansed and made whole. Our slate is wiped clean, and there is no more condemnation.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. – 2 Corinthians 5:17, ESV

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. – Romans 8:1-2, ESV

If you have questions about this article on toxic shame or would like to know how you can have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ please give us a call. If you feel you need more help than what this article could provide and would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in our online directory please contact us as well. Your first appointment is risk-free.